"You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies." (John 8:44)
"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith..." (1 Peter 5:8-9a)
I don't often think about the reality of Satan and demons. It's just not something that normally comes up in my thinking or daily life. Over the last week, however, I've had some experience that's led me to greater recognition of this unseen reality. I went in last week to talk to the registrar at my seminary about planning to graduate. It went really well and I should be able to be done with school by next year. Should be exciting, but since that point, I've been wrestling with some strange bouts of inexplicable sadness and fear.
I was tempted at first to dismiss it as simple sadness about leaving school, my routine and friends and all that, but it's very different. Assaults of insane thoughts. Unprovoked crying. Irrational fear of the future. Things that made no sense. I didn't know what to make of any of it. The idea was presented to me that, as I finish my time in seminary and attempt to enter ministry, perhaps some demonic force is attempting to drive me away from the ministry. Martin Luther was attacked by Satan before he stood before the Diet of Worms, refusing to recant his criticisms of the indulgences and idolatry of Rome.
I don't imagine myself to be as prevalent on hell's radar today as Luther was 500 years ago, but I have to acknowledge the possibility. The craziness of some of my thoughts and experience just doesn't make sense another way.
There are two responses to something like this: fearful cowardice and fearful obedience. I won't pretend like I am not afraid, or not still wrestling with the sadness. I am afraid to be on hell's radar, even as a small target. Yet, I don't want to do what the devil wants. I don't want to be a slave to hell. They live to torment God's children, accusing and oppressing them as much as they can. Much better to be a slave of Jesus, even with the fear and sadness. Much better to step up, finish strong, go into the ministry, and risk worse assaults. I am beaten down with anxiety and sadness, but God will lift me up.
You have set up a banner for those who fear You, that they may flee to it from the bow.
That your beloved ones may be delivered, give salvation by Your right hand and answer us!
Oh, grant us help against the foe, for vain is the salvation of man!
With God we shall do valiantly; it is He who will tread down our foes.
(Psalm 60:4-5; 11-12)
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